This Is Me. #ComingOut2020

 

In choosing to read this, you are expected to do the following:

·       Read this slowly. This is a story of my experience, but it is also educational for a lot of you. You are going to read some things that you will immediately disagree with, and that is okay. However, some of the things you will disagree with are a matter of perception or a misunderstanding of information. You will need to realize this, because you are not going to change my mind by arguing the point, and I’m not going to change yours (at least on the perception point – I dare you to consider the factual information). In order to go forward, we will need to have a mutual respect of our differences of perception, because this is my *reality* and the reality for many like me. Your disagreeing doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist for me, and your believing it “shouldn’t” doesn’t mean that it does not, and will not continue to, exist.

·       Realize that I am talking about human beings. I am fully aware that this is a very controversial topic, especially among the religious community, but you need to remember that I am talking about real people, with real emotions that can get really hurt. Regardless of your stance on the topic, this is something that deeply affects a lot of people. Some of the statistics that I present may be abstract to you, but for some people, they are the statistics, or almost were the statistics. The chance that you personally know someone who is directly affected by the stats is very high, so keep that in mind.

·       Consider the information. Half of the conclusions I come to here are based on my experiences. The other half are based on scientific and theological research that I have spent way too much time studying. Those conclusions, I do not come to lightly. Consider what I am saying in those sections; consider that there may be information you are not privy to and that could possibly change something about your stance. Sit in the tension you feel, don’t try to dismiss it. Wonder whether what I’m saying could have some merit. I’ll even give you a reference section so you can look into some of this stuff on your own.

·       Have grace. The half of this that was borne out of my experience was not an easy process for me. I didn’t read through something, hit the “I Accept” button, and move on. There was a lot of confusion, a lot of anger, a lot of sadness, a lot of deliberation. A lot of seeking to understand, and ask hard questions. A lot of challenging assumptions. Even in this, I intellectualize so it doesn’t hit so personally, but it is still very personal for me. So when you disagree with something, be decent in the way you dialogue with me about it. Be respectful. Pity, condescension, anger, or condemnation will not enter the dialogue, or I will shut it down. After a very long time, I have come to a place where I am at peace with myself and with God about this topic, and I do not deserve to be treated like this is a half-baked idea.

 

I have been thinking very long and very hard about this post. Doing this terrifies me, but it’s important. Not just for me, but for everyone like me. We need to be a bastion of support for each other, because somehow in 2020 people have started trying to regress in understanding and consideration of new, factual information, and if I can make one iota of positive change for the lives of my fellow human beings, I’m going to.

I’m gay. Most of you are probably not surprised by that, and some of you might be feeling a twinge of discomfort in your gut at reading that word applied to myself. For those that are surprised by that, welcome to my life. You now get to see into a part of my life that you did not know before.

“I’m gay.” What do I mean by that? I mean that I experience attraction to people of the same sex as me – other men. This attraction is enduring, and it is unchanging. It has existed for as long as I can remember, and it has never changed, despite some of my most valiant attempts to do so. Because it is a part of my experience, and because it sets me apart from a lot of people around me, it is a notable distinction. And, because trying to suppress it, ignore it, change it, redefine it, or diminish it has not been successful (and believe me¸ I’ve tried), I have chosen now to embrace it. To acknowledge that it is a part of my experience and it will not change. It is neither a good thing nor a bad thing, it is neither positive nor negative, it just is. And because it does describe my orientation to others, it is a very accurate and very useful description. Most people know what I mean when I say this.

Others, however, will go to the very extreme end of the definition and make it only about the sexual aspects of the experience. To be clear, this is unfair and this is an incorrect use and interpretation of the concept. Why? Because 1) the orientation is not just the behavior and 2) for me, at least, I am demisexual, which means I don’t even begin feeling any sexual attraction until I have a deep emotional connection to another person; so going to that extreme is about as accurate as saying that I shot someone in Arizona just because I picked up a gun in Pennsylvania. I’m not anywhere near there yet, if at all. So if you still think that my being gay has anything to do with the sex, please turn your focus inward and reflect on what about your experience leads you to believe this; what about sex has such a high view for you that attraction is the end-all-be-all, despite explanations otherwise?

To that point, I want to make something else clear: Attraction is not sexual attraction. It can be, but it’s not a requirement. There are actually several different kinds of attraction:

·       Aesthetic attraction – finding someone’s whole vibe, the way they look with their style and whatnot, attractive

·       Physical attraction – the traditional, finding attraction in the way someone else looks, physically. This could be body type, hair color, eye color, their face is cute, etc etc. This is not sexual attraction

·       Emotional attraction – feeling attracted to someone emotionally, having an emotional connection with them and wanting more of that.

·       Intellectual attraction – being attracted to someone because they nerd out or they know a lot

·       Platonic attraction – legit just wanting to be someone’s friend. You like who they are as a person, and you want to know them better plantonically.

None of these things are sexual attraction. They all have the potential to lead there, but their existence does not immediately mean that they will. Taking a tempered approach to this will benefit you not only in talking with me, but with anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Take time to understand our experience for what it is, not for a potential “inevitability” that typifies the sequence of most heterosexual relationships.

Some Stats

Now that that’s established, I want to go through a little science with you. Without getting into Research-ese too much, here are some facts about the LGBTQ+ community that you may or may not have been aware of:

·       According to surveys, roughly 4.5% of the US population identifies as gay, bisexual, lesbian, or transgender (The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law, 2019)

o   This number is most likely an underestimation.

§  It comes from a Gallup poll that not everyone is exposed to, so the people that respond to this poll may or may not be a good representation of the actual LGBTQ+ community in the US

§  Additionally, there are always people who do not feel safe to disclose their orientation, and therefore don’t

§  There are other people who would semantically fall in these categories that do not use these words to identify themselves

§  There are also other categories that this poll is not capturing, such as intersex, pansexual, queer, asexual, and others. They don’t identify with the LGBT, but they are on the Rainbow Spectrum, so this number doesn’t include them, but they also exist

§  There are also people who are not “there” yet with themselves and are denying it because they cannot come to terms with it. This is a common part of sexual and gender identity development

·       Physical development and brain development as a fetus happens at two different parts of pregnancy (Swaab, 2007). This means that the process can result in a more male-presenting body and a female-presenting brain or vice-versa (Junger et al., 2014)

o   People who look at brains have found that different parts of your brain tend to be the same size and have as many neurons as others of your same sex (Chung et al., 2002; Garrett & Hough, 2018)

§  Interestingly, females who transition to males (FTM) have parts of their brain that are the same size and density as cisgender males. Same thing with transwomen: the size density of parts of their brain are more similar to cisgender females’ than cisgender males’. Wild, huh?

·       We’ve only watched this occur, however. We can’t look at people’s brains and predict whether they are/were transgender. We’re not there yet. But we’ve found that it happens, and it’s significant

·       There are more than two sexes (Garrett & Hough, 2018)

o   No matter what we believe within religion, it exists.

o   It is a small percentage of the population, but there have been enough cases for scientists to reexamine whether “male or female” is a distinction between two choices, or the opposite ends of a larger spectrum

·       Scientists have not yet found the “answer” on the age old question, “is there a gay gene,” but they have found out that genes do play a part in it (Garrett & Hough, 2018).

o   The most definitive answer they’ve been able to find for male homosexuality specifically is a study in 1993 that looked a portion of DNA on the X chromosome (Hamer et al., 1993) – up to 64% of the pairs of gay brothers in the study had the coding in this stretch of DNA in common.

§  They haven’t been able to find the gene itself that’s responsible, because DNA is massive, but they think they’ve narrowed down a region significantly

§  Interestingly enough, female sexual orientation works differently and is not associated with that region of DNA

o   Overall, the “bad relationship with father” theory does not hold weight in the scientific community anymore.

·       When it comes to mental health, the LGBTQ+ community fares worse than heterosexuals

o   LGBTQ youth are 4 times more likely to feel depressed than heterosexual youth, and in one study, 28% of LGBTQ youth (which included 40% of trans youth) said they felt depressed most or all of the time in the previous 30 days (Human Rights Campaign Foundation (HRCF), n.d.)

§  In comparison, only 12% of heterosexual youth reported feeling depressed over the previous 30 days

o   LGBQ youth are at least twice as likely to feel suicidal, and 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than heterosexual youth; a whole third of transgender youth have seriously considered suicide, and 1 in 5 have attempted it (HRCF, n.d.)

§  According to a CDC survey sent out to school children 13-24, about 45% of LGBTQ youth ages 13-18 seriously considered suicide in the past 12 months (Green et al., 2019)

o   In adults, 1 out of every 3 LGBQ individuals experiences a mental illness, compared to 1 out of every 5 heterosexual individuals (HRCF Report, link below)

§  In experiencing mental illness, LGBQ individuals’ symptoms tended to be worse than a heterosexual with mental illness (13% vs 4%, respectively)

§  40% of trans individuals have attempted suicide, compared to less than 5% of the heterosexual population

·       What causes this disparity in mental health and well-being?

o   Stigmatization. People have negative views about the LGBTQ+ community and these views affect the way people interact with us, often telling us that they don’t like our “lifestyle” (an assumption that often does not actually reflect our lived experience), that we are “shoving it down their throats” (often used to describe instances when a same-sex couple is holding hands or exchanges a chaste kiss, or even displaying a Pride flag), or “love the sinner, hate the sin” (a seemingly benevolent statement that is never actually translated as love for the person, and is never used to describe other sins that people “hate”)

§  People who prioritize the sanctity of things (marriage, relationships, behavior, the general “don’t change what ain’t broken” mentality about how things should work) over care for others may actually tend to see people in the LGBTQ+ community more as animals who are not capable of making rational decisions than as sophisticated humans who can control their emotions. This literal dehumanization will give them negative views toward LGBTQ+ persons and may lead to prejudicial behavior (Monroe & Plant, 2019)

§  A 2014 study found that the life expectancy for LGBQ people was shorter for those who lived in areas that had a lot of stigma about their sexual orientation than those who lived in areas that were less prejudiced (HRCF, n.d.)

§  For a lot of LGBTQ+ people, realizing for the first time that they are different from those around them causes a lot of distress (Cass, 1979), and the self-stigma that comes from that can be difficult for people to work through, especially if they are in places where being different in this way is largely considered bad (Johnson & Yarhouse, 2013)

·       What makes LGBTQ+ people’s mental health better?

o   For teens, having a safe home, a safe school, good relationships with family, and support from parents helps a lot (HRCF, n.d.)

o   Not only support, but affirmation really helped their mental health a lot (HRCF, n.d.)

o   On the flip side, reminding people about their care for other humans can help reduce the amount of prejudice and negative reactions to LGBTQ+ people (Monroe & Plant, 2019)

Okay, take a breather. That was a lot of scientific data, and a lot of it was very nuanced. This gives you a snapshot of what it looks like to be LGBTQ+ in the United States, but it definitely does not tell the whole story. Take a moment to think about what you just read. What do you think about the research? Which parts stick out to you that you may not have thought about before? Which parts make you want to reconsider some of your previous positions?

A Religious Take

If you are religious, this information may have hit you a little differently. Depending on what you’ve experienced in life, some of this may be news to you, some of it may not be. For many of you, you’ve heard the general theme of these stats before, but because you haven’t known anybody they apply to, they’re just an abstract idea that doesn’t really have much impact on your day-to-day life.

I invite you to take a moment to imagine that you are a 13-year-old boy, and you are starting to realize that you might have attractions to the same sex. Up until now, you’ve had a couple of girlfriends, because that’s what guys do; they have girlfriends. And since you got along particularly well with a couple, you tried to “date” them (as much as one does in middle/high school). But you never felt anything romantic for them. You thought you weren’t trying hard enough. But then, that new kid in class has caught your eye more than other guys, and you find yourself unusually captivated. His face is nice to look at, and you have butterflies in your stomach. You want to talk to him more, to get to know him better, you want to just be around him. You’ve grown up in a religious household, you went to church on Sundays, probably on Wednesdays too, and your family prays before meals and doesn’t watch R-rated movies. What might be going through your head right now?

Maybe, “this is wrong”? Perhaps, “God is not okay with this”? Maybe even, “Mom and dad ask me about girls all the time, and this isn’t a girl. Would that disappoint them? Will they not love me anymore if I dated him?”

These are all thoughts that I have had, and more. (Side note: take note of how nothing in that description is sexual). At 13, all I knew was that it wasn’t allowed, and that I couldn’t do it. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why. I also figured out that what I was feeling was not what everyone else was feeling. What I thought was normal was not actually normal for everyone else. And no matter how much I prayed, these feelings were not going away.

Battle of Interpretations

Everyone knows that the traditional Christian view of homosexuality is that it is wrong. Different groups have different opinions on what parts of it are wrong, but a seeming overall consensus is that it is wrong.

The wild thing is, there are different opinions on what is considered wrong. And people are using the Bible as their justification for why they believe what they do. And they’re all different. So who is right? Why is one group’s interpretation of a scripture or group of scriptures more valid than another’s in determining what is right and wrong on a topic? How do we determine whose gets the final say?

Or is that something we need to determine at all?

I know, I know. That sounds like a very dangerous question. Well, if you’re not allowed to ask questions, how do you determine whether you’re following God or following a group of people who talk confidently?

The reality of the situation is that different people have different interpretations, and they are all at peace with their own interpretation. They have differing levels of peace with the dissenting views, and this balance of agreement/disagreement often determines what denomination of Christianity people are going to follow, and what church congregation they’re going to align with. So whether you realize it or not, you chose your church based on your beliefs (made up from your experiences, the things you’ve been exposed to, and the types of people you’ve interacted with over the years) and the church’s beliefs, and how much they lined up with each other. And the parts of it that you do disagree with are small enough to not be dealbreakers for you.

I know a lot of you are going to read that and think, “No, I chose my church because they teach the right doctrine. They teach the truth. It had nothing to do with how much our beliefs lined up, it had to do with how much their beliefs lined up with God’s, based on the Bible.”

However, again, the reality is that there are many different people, with many different interpretations of the Bible. Whether or not you believe that there were meant to be, there are. And you decided to align with people who have beliefs that resonate with your own. And the ones you’re told to change, you agree that they are meant to be changed.

Anyway, my point is, there are many different interpretations. This includes how a Christian approaches the topic of homosexuality. Many people have different ideas of what is wrong. Some say that the whole thing is wrong – the orientation, the behavior, the feelings, the whole shebang. Others say that just the behavior is wrong, but that you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and that can’t be a sin. And there are still others who say that the orientation and the behavior are okay, as long as you follow a Biblical sexual ethic.

Side A, Side B

This is the gist of what is referred to as the “Side A, Side B” debate. There also used to be Side X, but that’s the side that believes the orientation itself is a sin, and this spurred the whole conversion therapy movement. And conversion therapy is 1) very, very harmful and 2) proven to not work (Anton, 2010). So Side X has been phased out.

In a nutshell, Side B is considered the more “traditional” view of the issue, saying that the attraction is not a sin, but the action is. The Bible does not permit same-sex relationships, but it does not condemn you for having this attraction to people of the same sex. Side A says that same-sex relationships are okay as long as you maintain a Biblical sexual ethic.

I’ll let you check out this article about the two sides to get a more in depth idea of what each side believes and how they got there. However, something you should know about Side A: people who have landed there did not do so because they like it better. They didn’t hear that it was an option and decide to subscribe to it so that they could feel better about being in same-sex relationships. They landed there after spending a lot of time either very at odds with sexuality and faith in general, or because Side B left them feeling like they were constantly having to tense a muscle and they weren’t allowed to relax it. It was like they were trying to fit into a mold they were never meant to fit, because someone who doesn’t know their experience was telling them they should. Because of this, they began digging into the Bible to see what it said under what it seemed to say in English. They found that a lot of the ways the Bible is interpreted regarding homosexuality today is very anachronistic. People these days tend to use American, 21^st century language with 21^st century meanings of words and phrases and subscribing them to Eastern, 1^st century (or earlier) texts. Even something as seemingly simple as the word “man” had very different meanings, connotations, and undertones back then.

So they looked at the context of the scriptures, and they examined the way that people back then read passages that are so weaponized today. What they found was that the way that people are using the scriptures to condemn homosexuality is not the way that these scriptures were originally written. They found that the original context of these verses was not the same as the overall condemnation that they were being applied to.

What Side A determined then, was that because the original scriptures weren’t talking about homosexuality the orientation, and were likely talking about excessive lust/exploitation in a heterosexual, the Bible didn’t actually condemn the concept we understand today as homosexuality. So what to do? This is where the principles of a Biblical sexual ethic come in. They took a look at the manner in which a good relationship in general is built, and used that guide of sacrifice, commitment, faithfulness, love, grace, kindness, mercy, give-and-take, etc... and applied it to their own same-sex relationships. And this is how they’ve decided to live.

I’m not saying that that’s where I’ve landed. But many have landed there. And they are able to not only feel at peace with their own sexuality for the first time and come down from perpetual red alert on how to monitor themselves, they are also able to approach God for the first time in a long time. They’re able to open themselves to a relationship with God and a willingness for growth. They follow God as best they can, and aside from the one disagreement you have with them, their practice of Christianity may look similar to your own.

The biggest thing I want you to take from this examination of Side A is that even though you may disagree with it, and you may feel like it’s wrong, it is also the framework by which many LGBTQ+ people can approach God and not feel like Frankenstein’s monster. It’s literally an exhale for them. A relief. For some it’s even just a natural synthesis of development (Love et al., 2005). For others, it’s the way they can reconcile their faith and sexuality in a way that is best for their personal journey and their mental health (Yarhouse, 2019).

My Why

I bet you didn’t expect to read a primer on the LGBTQ+ community as part of my coming out story. It’s okay, I didn’t initially plan on writing one. But the more I thought about it and the more that I reflected on my own experience and everything I’ve learned after these two years looking at the psychological research on homosexuality and the transgender population, the more I realized this was necessary. There are people whose lives are altered by misinformation on this topic, and if I can provide some accurate information to bridge the gap, I want to. I can’t rely on heterosexuals to define the path of an experience they will never have; they don’t know how to map it.

Many of you come from a religious background, and like I said in the disclaimer, you’re going to be disappointed in me. You may want to tell me that I’m making something else my identity besides God by claiming my identity as gay. You may think that I am yet another person who has been lured by the world and have been convinced to twist the scriptures to support my sin. You might even want to tell me about how the truth can’t be changed, and that a sin is always a sin.

That’s (mostly) fine. You are allowed to have your feelings. You are allowed to have a reaction to this. You’re allowed to read my story and think that it does not line up with your belief system.

However, if you do decide to dialogue with me about this, you do not get to tell me anything about myself that I have not already said. You do not get to assume my motives or assume my feelings or assume my position on anything that I have not explicitly affirmed. Like I said before, I have thought very long and very hard about this, and I am not coming at this half-baked or under the influence of my emotions. I have had more conversations about this than I thought possible, and have considered more angles than I knew existed.

As a dear, dear friend told me a few months ago, “I lied to myself about being queer, because I was brainwashed into thinking God wouldn’t love me. Well surprise, that didn’t detract any of my queerness. It just closeted it and increased my self-shame.”

I can’t pretend anymore that diminishing this part of my life is good for me. But neither am I making it my identity. It is part of my identity, just like being male, white, a millennial, a graduate student, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a leader, a follower... are all parts of my identity. I am seeking very hard how to grow in making Christ my identity, and how all the other parts of my identity play out as a function of Christ. I can dialogue with people who are doing the same thing to see what works for them, and to see the parts of Christ that they see because their relationship illuminates those parts, and learn from those who have learned from their own relationship with Christ. But because no human, group, or denomination is a gatekeeper for Christianity or my relationship with Christ, no one has the certainty or authority to tell me that Christ is definitively against something like this. The truth is, we don’t know for certain. We have faith that he is going to work everything out for our good, and that by putting faith in him, he’ll lead us and guide us, but faith is by definition not certainty. If this really is something that he doesn’t want for me, I also have faith that God will reveal that to me. Until then, I’m going to keep pressing forward to take hold of that which Christ took hold of for me.

This is me.

 

References

 

Anton, B. S. (2010). Proceedings of the American Psychological Association for the legislative year 2009: Minutes of the annual meeting of the Council of Representatives and minutes of the meetings of the Board of Directors. American Psychologist, 65, 385-475. Doi: 10.1037/a0019553.

Cass, V. C. (1979). Homosexual identity formation: A theoretical model. Journal of Homosexuality, 4(3), 219–235. https://doi-org.ezproxy.regent.edu/10.1300 /J082v04n03_01.

Chung, W. C. J., De Vries, G. J., & Swaab, D. F. (2002). Sexual Differentiation of the Bed Nucleus of the Stria Terminalis in Humans May Extend into Adulthood. Journal of Neuroscience 22(3). Retrieved from: www.jneurosci.org/content/22/3/1027.

Coming Out for Christians. (n.d.) Side A/Side B Theology Primer. Retrieved from http://www.comingout4christians.net/side-a-side-b-primer.html.

Garrett, B., & Hough, G. (2018). Brain & Behavior: An introduction to behavioral neuroscience, fifth ed. SAGE.

Green, A. E., Price-Feeney, M., & Dorison, S. H. (2019). National estimate of LGBTQ youth seriously considering suicide. New York, NY: The Trevor Project.

Hamer, D. H., Hu, S., Magnuson, V. L., Hu, N., & Pattatucci, A. M. L. (1993). A linkage between DNA markers on the X chromosome and male sexual orientation. Science, 261, 321-327.

Human Rights Campaign Foundation (HRCF). (n.d.) Mental health and the LGBTQ Community. Retrieved from: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/ LGBTQ_MentalHealth_OnePager.pdf.

Johnson, V. R. F., & Yarhouse, M. A. (2013). Shame in sexual minorities: Stigma, internal cognitions, and counseling considerations. Counseling and Values, 58, 85-103. Doi: 10.1002/.2161-007x.2013.00027.x.

Junger, J., Ute, H., Brohr, S., Neulen, J., Neuschhaefer-Rube, C., Birkholz, P., Kohler, C…Pauly, K. (2014). More than just two sexes: The neural correlates of voice gender perception in gender dysphoria. PLoS ONE 9(11): e111672. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0111672.

Love, P. G., Bock, M., Jannarone, A., & Richardson, P. (2005). Identity interaction: Exploring the spiritual experiences of lesbian and gay college students. Journal of College Student Development, 46(2), 193-209.

Monroe, A. E., & Plant, E. A. (2019). The dark side of morality: Prioritizing sanctity over care motivates denial of mind and prejudice toward sexual outgroups. Journal of Experimental Psychology, 148(2), 342-360. Doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/xge0000537.

Swaab, D. (2007). Sexual differentiation of the brain and behavior. Best Practice & Research Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 21(3). Doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beem.2007.04.003.

The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. (January 2019). LGBT demographic data interactive. Retrieved from: https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/visualization/lgbt-stats/?topic=LGBT#about-the-data.

Yarhouse, M. A. (2019). Sexual Identity and Faith: Helping clients find congruence. Templeton Press.

Disclaimer: I am a graduate student of psychology, and therefore am not a licensed psychologist yet. I am here to offer helpful tidbits about this field I am dedicating my life to, but I should not replace formal education or therapy. If you disagree with something I say, please tell me. Science is a good way to show me I am sharing something inaccurate.